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| Copyright ©2004 Allison Ray. All rights reserved. No portion of this site may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including by photocopying without express written permission. Updated June 1, 2006 |
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| The Toddler Diet By Allison Ray Lose weight eating like my three munchers? A comical view of dieting, purely for you’re reading not eating enjoyment. Well I know in our home this year we have tried the body of life diet (yummy- only chicken and rice), Liquid diet (can-o-chemical meal), and the go broke buying slabs of meat Miami Beach & Atkins Diet. Each of them leaving us hungry, grouchy and lacking in energy. As a result, we have a pantry full of “diet” food that we never eat because we are always on the “other” diet. Well, our family has come across a new ground breaking diet the "Toddler Diet". I've noticed that our twin two-year-old girls and 9 year old son are trim, happy and FULL of energy. One morning while enjoying my can-o-chemical meal I thought maybe it's what they eat. After taking extensive surveys with moms all over the world (not really remember this is a joke) we formulated this diet for mom’s, dad’s, grandparents any caregiver that needs to loose that “baby fat”. Not only is the diet extremely inexpensive it also provides a wide variety of foods. I've provided three days of meal plans since I usually only last three days before cheating. Before beginning this diet, you must check with your doctor and also your child & pet, as you will now be sharing they’re eating space. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Day One Breakfast: One scrambled egg with cheese One piece of toast with strawberry jelly Drop your fork on the floor. Pick up two pieces of egg with your fingers and eat then pick up your plate and drop it on the floor. Eat the center of your toast making sure not to eat any of the crust, then smear the jelly on face, clothes and chair. Snack: Two crayons (non-toxic) yellow and blue, from under the bed in your brother’s room. Hand full of dry kibble from dog bowl. Lunch: Chicken noodle soup, ˝ egg salad sandwich, and grapes. Drop your spoon on the floor. Tip over bowl of soup onto the table and slurp it up, then place the sandwich in the empty bowl and place the bowl on your head. Roll the grapes across the table to your sister, dog, or who ever will eat them other than you! Snack: Two pieces of last years Halloween candy you find under your brothers bed, 3 sips of flat soda from your fathers night stand and a lick of ivory soap from the bathroom. Dinner: Fried Chicken, coleslaw, & green beans. Drop your fork on the floor. Take 4 green beans put in mouth and chew for a few seconds. Open mouth wide to show everyone, then take out of mouth, smash between fingers and smear in hair (or on doc band). Eat a hand full of coleslaw and two bites of chicken. Take a handful of chick and stuff in your diaper for later. Then toss what’s left at your brother, sister, mother…etc.. Until they take it away from you. Day Two Breakfast: Pancakes drenched in syrup, bacon, orange juice & milk. Drop your fork on the floor. Eat the bacon…who does not love bacon…Pick up a pancake with your fingers drip syrup from your plate, down the front of your leg, shirt, then take a bite from the center…remember crust is our enemy! Rub sticky hands across face and in hair. Mix your glass of OJ and milk then stuff the pancake in the already overflowing glass. Lunch: Macaroni and Cheese & hot dog chunks. Drop your spoon on the floor. Sink your entire hand into the bowl to find that one perfect piece of cheese drenched macaroni then throw it to the floor. Sink your hand back into the bowl this time retrieving a piece of macaroni put it in your mouth, suck of the cheese and continue to dip the same piece of macaroni until it disintegrates. Eat two hotdog chucks then drop the rest on the floor for the dog. Snack: Rush to the kitchen to eat any remaining Mac & cheese left of the floor from lunch, while stopping by the trash can for a quick “dumpster dive” for the crayon mom took away earlier. Dinner: Chicken fingers w/Ranch dressing, mashed potatoes, and peas. Drop your fork on the floor. Dip your entire hand into the ranch, smear on your face and hair. Pickup the chicken finger take two bites then through at your sister. Eat a pea then roll the rest across the table onto the floor. With your fingers eat as much mash potatoes as possible at once. Really fill those cheeks! Day Three Breakfast: Bowl of cereal, banana, and toast. Drop your spoon on the floor. Put your entire hand into the bowl of cereal to find the perfect piece and eat it. Shove the entire banana into your mouth at one time. Chew for a few seconds, then spit out and hand to your mother. Eat the center of the toast only, and then throw the crust on the floor. Oh yea and tip over the bowl of cereal and put the bowl on your head. Snack: A good-sized bite of a tube of chapstick found under the bed in your brother’s room. Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich two cookies. DUH!!! Eat the cookies first! Open the sandwich smear the jelly side all over your face and hair. Eat two bites of the peanut butter side…only the middle remember…. Snack: Mc’d’s French-fries while mom shops. YMMMMMM Dinner: Spaghetti and meatballs. Drop your fork on the floor. Reach into the plate of spaghetti to find the perfect piece of pasta then suck it into your mouth inch, by inch, by inch. Take your spaghetti sauce covered hand and rub it on your shirt to clean it before looking for that next perfect piece of pasta. Roll the meatball off your plate and over to your sister/brother. After an hour of eating only 6 strands of pasta empty the bowl to the table and place on head. |
| Disclaimer: The above article is for comic purposes only. NOT A REAL DIET. All material on this website is provided for educational purposes only, although every effort is made to provide accurate and up-to-date information. I am not a doctor or health care professional. If you are concerned about your health, or that of your child, consult with your health care provider regarding the advisability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your individual situation. |
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