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| Copyright ©2002, 2003, 2004 Allison Ray. All rights reserved. Updated October 17, 2004 |
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| MOM - Job Description POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Ma, Moma, Mommy JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include nights and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier and sanitation duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs money or a ride. Must be willing to bite tongue a lot. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, when you hear blood curdling screams- and the patience of a saint when you find someone just crying wolf. Must develop your ESP skills and always carry a crystal ball in your pocket or purse. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, science electricity projects, mysteriously sluggish toilets and drains, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls and emails, maintain multiple calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must be able to attend all “home room mom” activities and provide at least 25 “identical” cupcakes or snacks. Must attend all sporting or club activities, rain, shine, sleet or snow. Must maintain an unlimited supply of nourishment-for the mind and body. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, uniform laundering and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Not only is there NO compensation…You must pay them! Offering frequent raises, bonuses and bribes. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. Then when you die, you give them whatever is left! The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and a life time of hugs and kisses. (When their cool friends are not looking of course.) |